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Strange Little Machine by ~kabirawhisper:iconkabirawhisper:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Human Nature > Open


You're like a machine,
always moving to someone else's touch.
They fix you into their little design,
on a long, long line  
assembling pieces of you together
using a conveyor belt with trashbins at end.
with each unwanted piece that might have lumped
or was in some way strange, thrown away.

You're like a puppet
that has been made to talk and walk and mime.
They kept a big box 
with all these tiny unused tad bits of you,
and someday I wish you'd just go through them
just to see which pieces they've thrown away that you're missing.
I can't help but know you're not really all there,
and you are such a strange thing, such a strange little machine.
©2009 ~kabirawhisper
:iconkabirawhisper:

Author's Comments

So I like the concept, but I'm not a big fan of the words. Not yet. It's still a work in progress. XD

Comments


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:iconoblivion00:
~oblivion00 Mar 4, 2009, 10:09:42 PM
It is a pretty awesome concept :D
I like the images, but you could play with the ordering of the words themselves (sadly, I am no good at poetry).

--
Favors returned; dreams deferred.
:iconkabirawhisper:
~kabirawhisper Mar 5, 2009, 8:02:30 PM
The ordering? How do you mean exactly?

--
I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, and some come from behind. But I've brought a big bat. I'm all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me.
:iconoblivion00:
~oblivion00 Mar 5, 2009, 8:05:22 PM
Basically, different ways to convey the ideas: this is a bad example (that you shouldn't follow), but "They kept a big box with all these unused scraps of you," could become "All these unused scraps of you were kept in a big box," which draws more attention to the latter half of the sentence. For poetry, you always want to keep the meter, though. :)

I hope that makes sense.

--
Favors returned; dreams deferred.
:iconnirelleth:
=Nirelleth Mar 7, 2009, 11:02:52 AM
The concept is really good, but I agree you need to work on the words, it lacks a meter so far, which would give it a better flow when reading.

Adding some other stylistic means would also help this, for example repetitions (using the same line for every stanza) etc.

What you should try not to do is repeating just some words, like together follows on line 2 and 3 and that sounds not so good.

--
*LittleBelovedOnes

My stock account =Nirelstock

Do you care?
:iconkabirawhisper:
~kabirawhisper Mar 7, 2009, 11:51:57 AM
Ah.. it makes sense. lol. I normally ignore meter. It's a flaw on my part, but oh well.

--
I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, and some come from behind. But I've brought a big bat. I'm all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me.
:iconkabirawhisper:
~kabirawhisper Mar 7, 2009, 12:30:01 PM
Thanks. i didn't even notice that with "together". I appreciate your comment. It helped, I think.

--
I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, and some come from behind. But I've brought a big bat. I'm all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me.
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